To His Esteemed Lordship, Sir Hanush of Leipa, and to Any Other Authority Who Might Actually Listen:
A Petition for the Preservation of Sanity and Property within the Royal Town of Rattay
We, the undersigned, being (mostly) sane and (increasingly) impoverished citizens of the Royal Town of Rattay, do hereby submit this formal and heartfelt plea regarding the continued presence within our town walls of one… Henry, son of the blacksmith.
Let it be known that we are not, by nature, a complaining lot. We are hardy Bohemians, accustomed to hardship, to pestilence, to the occasional siege. But even our legendary resilience is being tested to its limits by the seemingly endless series of… incidents involving the aforementioned Henry.
Therefore, we the People of Rattay state the following points:
- Endangerment of Livestock: Henry’s well-intentioned, yet disastrous, attempts at animal husbandry have resulted in numerous escaped livestock, trampled crops, and at least one confirmed case of a pig learning to operate a catapult (source: Old Man Prokop, eyewitness and lifelong pig farmer). We believe the animals are safer, even if facing Cuman slavers, than around Henry.
- Accidental Arson (Repeated Offenses): From smoldering haystacks to entire sections of the forest inexplicably ablaze, Henry has demonstrated a remarkable talent for pyrotechnics. While we appreciate the “rustic charm” of a bonfire, we prefer our houses to remain standing. We would further ask that Henry is kept 100 feet from any fire lighting device.
- Questionable Economic Practices: Henry’s “business ventures,” ranging from failed attempts at alchemy to the suspiciously lucrative sale of “rare herbs” (which smell suspiciously like my grandmother’s foot ointment), have destabilized the local economy and driven up the price of ale by a scandalous margin.
- Unwitting Disruption of Law and Order: His attempts to assist the City Watch, while appreciated in spirit, invariably result in more crime, more confusion, and more paperwork for poor Captain Bernard, who, we fear, is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown (further adding to the workload).
- Spiritual Concerns: Rumors of Henry’s supposed “conversations with demons” (originating with Agnes, the village herbalist, who claims to have witnessed Henry arguing with a tree) have caused widespread unease and raised concerns about the spiritual well-being of our community. We, the People of Rattay ask he leaves our area before any demonic creatures can gain a foothold.
- Psychological Trauma: The constant disruption, property damage, and sheer anxiety caused by Henry’s presence has taken a toll on the mental health of our citizens. Mildred, the seamstress, now believes that bandits are hiding in her thread spools. Janek, the tanner, has developed a nervous twitch. And old Father Godwin, well, let’s just say he’s taken to spending more time in the tavern than in the church these days.
Therefore, in the interest of public safety, economic stability, and collective sanity, we, the undersigned, respectfully request that you consider the following measures:
A) Relocate Henry to a more… remote location. Perhaps a monastery? A Cuman prison camp? Anyplace, frankly, that is far, far away from Rattay.
B) Provide Henry with gainful employment that does not involve sharp objects, flammable materials, or interaction with livestock.
C) Offer a full pardon for any crimes directly attributable to Henry’s well-meaning incompetence. We don’t wish him ill, just gone.
We trust in your wisdom and your compassion to address this pressing matter. We also request a full plate of sausages for the signatories. We the undersigned will be sending one brave soul to collect our sausages in seven days. It will be a perilous and deadly mission.
Signed,
[Space for many signatures, all scrawled illegibly, with an occasional ink blot and smudge of dirt]
Leave a Reply